If you are in immediate danger:

• Make a safety plan for yourself that includes going somewhere else for awhile. Leave when it’s safe to do so.
• Get support from a friend or a counsellor who will not pick sides or support you to be controlling and abusive.
• Find out your legal rights, but do not use them to punish your partner or your children.

If you are not in immediate danger, are you willing to stay with your partner and not use abusive behaviours yourself?

• Listen to what she has to say without accusing her or defending yourself.
• Don’t try to control her in any way.
• Take responsibility for your own behaviours.
• Don’t try to change your partner’s behaviour but change how you respond to her.
• Ask for what you want, knowing that it’s okay for her to say no.
• Tell your partner your feelings without expecting that she will change her behaviours as a result.
• Don’t try to change her decisions even if you don’t agree with them.
• Treat her with respect and understanding.
• Get support for yourself to end any of your own controlling and abusive behaviours.
• Keep your commitment not to hurt her, no matter what.

If you do decide to leave her, there are ways to stay safe:

• Don’t threaten her.
• Don’t bad-mouth her.
• Don’t leave her just to get her to "crawl back" again.

Keeping these agreements will not guarantee a healthy relationship. That may never happen. But, you will have set up the chance that your relationship with your partner will be a safe one, whether or not you are with her.

There are no excuses for abusing another person!
No one deserves to be hurt!

This information was written by and provided by

City Hospital Mental Health Services,

Main Floor, 701 Queen Street, Saskatoon, SK S7K 0M7

Tel: (306) 655-8989

Fax: (306) 655-8806